You’ve taught me the different roles humor can play in working with people, relaxing, empowering, freshening.I can remember one rehearsal, close to a December concert, when we were trying to prepare Bartok’s Concerto for Orchestra for the performance.It was not going well.I think that many of us, including myself, had taken some standardized test earlier that day, in addition to other rehearsals and coachings in the afternoon.I know that I was mentally exhausted, and we all kept missing notes and entrances.You must have sensed this, because you thought a moment and then said, If you make a mistake .One of its chief characteristics, as we shall see, is that it lobbies to be taken very seriously indeed.When we practice Rule Number 6, we coax this calculating self to lighten up, and by doing so we break its hold on us.He needs the care and attention of strong, competent people to make it through, and nature obliges by endowing him with enough fear and aggression to stimulate him to hold on fiercely to sources of viability.His education in the ways of relationship sets him the primary task of understanding hierarchy, assessing where the power is, and learning what he must do to be accepted.A child’s ability to control his position and the attention of others is critical, much more important than control is for the average adult on an average day.The survival mechanisms of the child have a great deal in common with those of the young of other species, save for the fact that children learn to know themselves.They grow up in a medium of language and have a long, long time to think.A child comes to think of himself as the personality he gets recognition for or, in other words, as the set of patterns of action and habits of thought that get him out of childhood in one piece.That set, raised to adulthood, is what we are calling the calculating self.The prolonged nature of human childhood may contribute to the persistence of these habits long after their usefulness has passed.The alertness to position that was adaptive at an earlier time in an individual’s life—and in the history of our species—is still conceptually operative in later years and keeps signaling to the self that it must try to climb higher, get more control, displace others, and find a way in.Fortunately, the perception of what in is, and where it is located, is likely to vary between individuals and groups.We portray the calculating self as a ladder with a downward spiral.The ladder refers to the worldview that life is about making progress, striving for success, and positioning oneself in the hierarchy.When this leads to conflict, we are likely to think that we have run up against difficult people and have learned an important lesson.Inevitably our relationships spiral downward.As the calculating self tumbles out of control, it intensifies its efforts to climb back up and get in charge, and the cycle goes round and round.One good way is to ask ourselves,What would have to change for me to be completely fulfilled?The answer to this question will clue us in to the conditions our calculating self finds threatening or even intolerable, and we may see that our zeal to bring about change may benefit from a lighter touch.The intolerable condition may be a place or a situation, but very often it is another person.For several years I have been running an accomplishment program, where people meet regularly in groups for coaching on the completion of individual projects.But the intent of the accomplishment program is larger than the achievement of specific goals.It is about living life in the realm of possibility.Over the course of each week, the participants define and follow through on three steps that will take them toward their goals.They can adjust the steps to any size as they go along, so it is virtually impossible to fail.In addition, the whole group is invited to play a common game designed to awaken creativity and highlight the obstructive nature of the calculating self.People often discover that the lessons they learn while playing the games are the very tools they use to make their projects, and their lives, leap ahead.One game I frequently assign comes in the form of Have the Best ____ Ever. This is to encourage people to create an experience that is extraordinarily satisfying regardless of the circumstances around them.So, for example, if the game is Have the Best Meal Ever, it does not say to eat a lot, or to go to an expensive restaurant.It does not say Do the things that you think are the most likely to get you to your goal. The instructions say, Have it.Be fulfilled. Often, that means becoming aware of the fears, opinions, and positions your calculating self has adopted that stand in the way of simple fulfillment.If you can remember Rule Number 6 during the game, you may have a straighter run at ventures that will really make a difference in your life.I presented this game to one of the accomplishment groups after we had been working together for several months, and I gave them the choice, collectively, to fill out the phrase, so they could set the ante for themselves.One member of the group was not happy about the choice, although she went along with the others.June had left her husband, Mark, earlier in the year after a long struggle to change him.Mark’s not going to change, she kept telling us, but it was she we were interested in.We reminded her that she could interpret the instructions any way she wanted.What would she discover about herself?We had learned to trust the mysterious power of play.And, of course, I wouldn’t be telling this tale if June hadn’t appeared the next week looking radiant.But Ann kept reminding me that our agreement was at the very least to give the game a try, whether we were successful or not.I hadn’t yet imagined who would be my partner, because I thought my husband was the last man on earth I would go near.But I was shocked to discover that as soon as I really let myself think about it, I knew he would be the one.The group got very quiet, as though any careless gesture would topple this fragile construction.I realized I had been taking myself pretty goldarn seriously.Lighten up.It was strange.I had this sense, in that fraction of a moment, that it was possible .After all, it had been once.This realization in itself was so interesting, so new, that for a moment I felt daring enough to go to a pay phone .I called him, and this was very difficult because it was like saying I was wrong and he was right.My pride kept flaring up, I felt very nervous, and a little crazy because I didn’t recognize myself.I was hoping he wouldn’t be home, but of course he was.And it turned out that it was easy to talk to him, even though we hadn’t spoken for quite a while.I told him about the game.And after an awkward silence, I added the other half of the invitation.I do think it would be a good idea if we made love.He was so quiet that I got frightened the other way.I didn’t want to be rejected.And then he said, This call must have taken a lot of courage to make.I was at a loss for words.We agreed to have dinner at his place on Friday when I returned.And then things began to change .I remember walking down a country road and being aware of everything .On the way into town I stopped at a fruit stand to buy dessert, and my eye was caught by flowers in a pail.I found myself arriving at the house Friday night carrying flowers in my hand!Through all my nervousness I had to laugh.Then we were both laughing and throwing caution to the winds.The evening we spent together was like a week’s vacation, but it was also like coming home.We all looked at each other in disbelief.June had become so much more expressive, so much more human than we had ever seen her.Someone asked, But isn’t it important to make some decisions about people’s behavior, to set boundaries and stand firm for what you believe?

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